Life Through Her Eyes: 22

                                             Midnight maze 

As I lay in my bed, with the lights off, I'm practicing meditation and gratitude, my mind wonders off. You're supposed to try and bring yourself back to its state of meditation, the more I'm trying the harder it's getting. Finally, I give up and let my mind control itself. 

It takes me back to Nabila Nofal, to the day I counted socks. I spiral and start seeing the starving children, the body parts in Al Shifa hospital. 

Then I go back to the time before October 7th, how we were planning to travel. And the drama I tried to dig up with my boyfriend. My impulsiveness. My desire to finally start my life, and i laugh. 

I laugh about how silly my life used to be, and how scary life is now 

I laugh about how I used to call what I was doing surviving when now I'm barely drawing a breath. 

With a sigh, my laughter quickly turns into tears, is it regret, is it pain, is it sadness? I really don't know, it's been a while since I cried. I forgot how much clarity it brings. I clearly should be feeling anger! 

I start wishing horrible things on every country, on every colonizer that ever existed, every “humanitarian” organization, the whole UN system. I'm angry at everything, at everyone. 

Especially myself. How can I be safe with a bed and a roof over my head when people in the same country can't find food or water? 

As I'm thinking of how angry I am, I realize this is not how I normally get angry. Surprisingly this is a calmer version of me. Maybe I am getting wiser, or maybe the light in me has dimed. 

With that though I am calm again. This calmness is unfamiliar yet comfortable. 

From this calmness that is warm yet cooling 

out came this poem 

that burns through frozen time.

About the Author

Rand is a 26-year-old Palestinian. She is the youngest of four children; she finished her undergraduate studies at Bir Zeit University, Ramallah, Palestine. During her university years, Rand grew more interested in the humanitarian structure and the Palestinian cause from a humanitarian point of view. Through volunteering and networking, Rand received many pieces of training in crisis management, and emergency navigation, as well as, humanitarian structure, signature, and localization allowing her to employ her knowledge in her career and as a volunteer with many local and international humanitarian organizations. Moreover, Rand is a very expressive artistic person who attempts to share her human experience through pen and brush. She is captivated by sunsets and Palestinian beauty.

All photos in the series are by Rand.